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 Post subject: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 8:22 pm 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 12:49 pm 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 1:44 pm 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”
“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 6:21 pm 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 5:21 pm 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”

When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”

“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 9:58 am 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
Steve lived in Stated Island, NY and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferry home every night. One evening, he got sown to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so Steve decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was felling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock.
Steve. Afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. “How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Steve to a deck hand. “It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 8:09 am 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:56 am 
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EGG
EGG

Joined: Sun Aug 07, 2011 4:15 pm
Posts: 42
Location: East Yorkshire UK
The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”


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 Post subject: Re: Joke Of The Day
PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 1:02 pm 
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Site Admin
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Joined: Fri Jun 30, 2006 8:04 pm
Posts: 6794
Location: Essex
I liked all of these! Made me laugh! :lol:

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Bearded Dragon: Fiona
R.I.P Shrek and Stumpy - you are sadly missed.

For articles and useful information about how to care for Bearded Dragons visit the main site: http://www.mybeardeddragons.co.uk


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